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I actually wrote a long blog entry yesterday on my blackberry about some unpleasant things that have been happening in my life lately. 

Mostly about some close people who have been backstabbing and backbiting me. 

I know you think I don’t know…but believe me I do.

Anyhow… it is with Allah's will that when I wanted to post it, I couldn’t find it. 

I saved it but it disappeared. 

And to me that is a sign. 

Although some people don’t believe in anything like that, I do, because it has happened to me many times and I believe in a greater power that I and that is Allah.

I believe that He is telling me to let go of the bitterness that I have inside my heart and that He is with me when I told Him that I want to be a better person. 

And a bitter heart is not a good way to start my journey.

I told Him that want to change and be good. 

I also told my husband and Him that I want to improve in so many ways like my prayer, my personality, I want to be at peace with myself, I want to eliminate all the hate, anger and animosity from my heart.

I want to be positive, forgiving, kind and happy. 

And I know that my missing blog entry is a sign that He is with me because what I wrote wasn't nice and in a way it is not a good start for me if I am set about what I want to be. 

I just want to add that when I decided to become a better person emotionally, mentally and physically it is because I am really inspired by my parents.

I really look up to my mom and dad for all the good qualities that I want to have. 

I am really blessed that Allah has given me such blessing which are my parents. 

I don’t know of any other people who are like my mom and dad.

They are so wise in so many levels and so understanding and giving.

Alhamdulillah, it is the biggest blessing any child could ask.

My dad, gosh…I don’t even know where to start. He is a pilot with a salary that exceeds Rm20 000 per month. But he drives a Honda City and spends his money on his children, wife and charity only. He doesn’t buy anything for himself. Only occasional fishing and bowling with family. He doesn't live a luxurious life and he is so wise in his spending. He is so humble. I love him to death. I so want to be like him.

I want to be patience and wise like him. In my whole life he has never hit any of his children and his wife. He is patience with us even though we always go overboard. He is a very discipline, loyal and loving man and I want to be just like him. But what I love the most about my dad is the advice that he gives me. He doesn't have to say a lot. Only 2 or 3 sentences and I will change and I will listen to him. Because the way he gives advice is with a soft voice and a wise tongue. I respect him so much. 

He truly brings out the best in me. 

He inspires me to be good and to be better. 

I love you papa. 

The same goes with my mom. My mom is the most generous and loving person I know.
She inspires me to love and give unconditionally and without hoping for any return.
She inspires me to remember those who are in need and to help others.
My mom also inspires me to do things because of Allah. I have had problems in my life that involves other people. People who backbite me and think I don’t know, people who expects too much and don’t do anything to improve themselves, people who have so much hatred in their heart that even though I have apologized for something that is not my fault would still have hate inside them, people who are mentally immature, people who have envy and jealousy and so many other people. So my mom would tell me “Siti, no matter what people do to you and how they act and how they feel towards you, you have to do your responsibility and in your heart do it because of Allah.”
And when she said that, everything looks and feels so simple.
I don’t care anymore what you people think of me and do to me, what I’m going to do is my responsibility towards you as another human being and I do it not because of you but because I am performing my responsibility towards Allah and I feel happy.

I feel contented.
Life is so simple and fulfilled this way.

My dad also adds (a summary from a verse in the Quran) that when people do something nasty to you, you have two choices, either do the same to them or do not do anything at all.
And the best way is always to not do anything. And at last I get it.
I am thankful that my dad told me this story because now I understand that I am only answerable to Allah and from now on whatever I do is because of Him.

In the end only He matters and those who hurt me does not.
Bak kate orang melayu "Biar orang buat kite, jangan kite buat orang".
I have made my pledge to change and be a better like my mom and dad.
What I also love about them is also the fact that they never backbite people.

For those of you who does not know what back bite is, it is mengumpat in Malay and saying bad things about a person behind his/her back. So to those of you who know me I just want to say that I want to change and from now on I do not want to talk or say bad things about other people behind their back anymore.

I was stabbed in the back by you-know-who-you-are and I don't want to do that to anyone.